Love and all the Complications

I’ve been a romantic for so long, all I’ve ever known are love songs, rom com’s, TV shows and movies. I have never been romantically in love with anyone. The closest thing to love I’ve felt is an extreme love appreciation to the man that showed me that I am lovable. But even that doesn’t reciprocate the love I know I deserve. I have had sexual trauma, body issues and plain depression that has complicated my love life or lack of. I have had a ton of crushes, those come a mile a minute. I fall in love all the time, at least in my head. I have such a twisted and unattainable goal for love that borderlines delusion. In life, well at least mine, there are no meet cute’s, there are no men holding up a boom box outside of my window pining for my love and attention.

Sometimes I really believe I will never find the love of my life. Is that even an attainable wish? Do I even know what to do if love was to come to my door? I have no idea. probably not. I never have known what love is, what it’s supposed to look like. Every relationship I know, has had such complications and such heated fights that I don’t know if ill ever have that. They say love is complicated and never easy. If its easy, it isn’t love. I have fooled myself into thinking that love is for me. In this crazy thing called life, all we ever want is to find our other half. That other half that completes us, supposedly.

I guess I never knew what love could be since I never had a good example of it. I only know of familial love, that unconditional love that comes from our mothers and grandmothers. Big surprise, I never grew up with a father, I never knew what love could be by seeing my parents together. I never had that standard unit of family. To be honest, I’ve never been on date, not that typical dinner and movie. Love for millennial’s and I hate saying that lol, is a whole different ball game than what it was prior to technology and dating apps. I had always longed for the type of love life you find in an 80’s movie. I always ended up with the “best friend” role, never the main star. I always thought I would have my own love story to write but in this current era, it looks like I will literally have to write my own love story, a fictional piece since love is probably not in the cards for me. And trust me, I have tried dating apps and it’s just not in the cards for me.

I think and know deep down inside that I was put on this Earth to share my love with my family, friends, and strangers but not with a romantic love interest. I have always given my love away with no one to give it back. And I have a lot of love to give. That’s the reason why I still am with the guy I’m currently seeing. It’s temporary and probably not going to last but as they say, it is better to have loved and lost to never loved at all. And I think I am coming to terms with the role life has appointed me. I feel like Dawson from the aforementioned Dawson’s Creek, in the series finale, he wrote his dream relationship with Joey. He wrote and concocted their love life, even if it never came to fruition for him. That’s why God has made me a great writer with a great imagination. I can always dream of what I want and just have it in my thoughts where it will always live. This might sound so self loathing but it’s the only truth of love ‘Ive ever known.

Love is hard, Love is complicated. Love is never easy. Sometimes I truly believe I don’t have it in me to make a love last. I am just tired of waiting for that day. It’s been that way since I was young. No one and I mean no one ever asked me out, which never helped my self esteem but i overcame that and became confident in who I am, who I became, how I look and what I have to offer. Sadly no one has stepped up to claim the prize that is my heart. The true romantic in me is slowly losing it’s flame but I won’t go down without a fight.